It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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