I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
