I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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