i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
