if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
