i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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