If you die in college, do you die in real life?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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