Me. At least after what I've been through.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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