i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Randomize
