Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
