I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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