I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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