Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
