I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
