I'm lost and stupid without you.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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