hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
