I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
