was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
