You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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