How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
