see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
