Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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