Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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