Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
