The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My dick has a subreddit
Text me some of your sweat
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
