i just made my gag reflex go away.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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