so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
