I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
