so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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