i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
