Just cropdusted the office
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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