My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
50% drunk capacity currently
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
