remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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