woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
