and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
