I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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