my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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