Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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