Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
