i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
