I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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