Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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