i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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