In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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