kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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