I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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