Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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