i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
