What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
