dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
