Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
