New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
