I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
